Oh, god. Am I going to talk about this? Yes, I guess I am. Here are the facts: I’ve been single for about seven months and although it’s not an extremely long time, coming out of a long term relationship can make you feel detached from lurve. Instead of withering in my single girl thoughts, I think I’ll share my top ten singleton observations.
1. The amount of romance novels I’m reading is actually borderline ridiculous, enough to fill my walk-in closet and mind with unrealistic “love at first sight” scenarios. I do highly recommend the “Stage Dive” series by Kylie Scott though.
2. So after this over the top absorption of fictional love, my feels go off the charts and I crave any sort of touch. Know anyone that offers free hugs? Send them my way. Only kidding, there’s an app for that: Cuddlr.
3. And when I see others goo-goo-gaa-gaa-ing about their new crushes, I seethe in bitterness. I become such a hater of love and it doesn’t look pretty.
4. Being single makes me loathe and love it at the same time. My head hurts from weighing out the pros and cons on my doodle notebook.
- Pros: no commitments, no “checking in”, no sharing of food, no putting down the toilet seat, no frustrating decisions like where to eat, no 2AM fighting
- Cons: no cuddling (with someone that’s not a stranger from online), no food to steal a bite of, no hand holding, no one to call at 2AM to grab cake
5. This extra leisure time allows me to spend it with family and friends. I’ve gone grocery shopping with my mum every weekend and am attempting to teach her how to swim. My brother is also taking advantage of my spare time by asking for favours (fried eggs at midnight? Sure, it’s not like I have a boyfriend to make kissy noises with).
6. Ever have that glimpse into the future of you in a house with 50 ferrets hanging from the chandelier and sliding down the banister? Well, I have and it’s slowly becoming more and more realistic. A ferret appeared in my driveway a few weeks ago to scare the crap outta my mom. Well played.
7. I think I’ve forgotten how to flirt. I was never a pro but at least sharing eye contact with the opposite sex didn’t send me into a fit. I was at the bus stop and a guy glanced my way to share a smile but I flinched and pretended to play with my phone.
8. Your friends start setting you up with their single buddies because you’re suddenly free meat to dangle to the male species. These type of dates are the worst because of the fussy expectations and awkward parting when it doesn’t quite work out (you gotta break it to him and your gal pal). Note to my fabulous friends, please don’t tell us beforehand that we’re being set up.
9. Every male become a fascinating potential target and is categorized one by one until you find a suitable mate. Building friendships with new guys isn’t a priority anymore compared to when you were younger. As Daniel Radcliffe told Buzzfeed about the friend zone, it’s men saying “this woman won’t have sex with me”. True.
10. With the extra cash I would have dished out on little gifts and surprise dinner dates, I’ve been picking up more cute things for myself. Hm, definitely an ok bonus as a singleton.
That wasn’t so hard to list. Being single has its perks and I’m okay with focusing on my career until Mr. I-Can-Take-Your-Lame-Jokes appears. Until then, I’ll enjoy my me time to the fullest so excuse me while I go rummage for that tub of Häagen-Dazs and watch Stephen Colbert rip Larry Page apart.